David Simmonds

Everyone who thinks about, or actually does, move to Mexico has their own personal reasons. The list is long and varied, but a factor on everyone’s list is the appeal of the lifestyle that Mexico offers. By that I mean the slow, uncomplicated pace of every day living where you know your neighbors, the local shopkeepers, cops and community honchos. Where there are not strip malls on every corner that look the same in Los Angeles as they do in Atlanta. Where houses are built to live in, not to impress, with 2,000 more square feet than you need. Where you can walk to buy most everything you require, often without driving your car (if you even own one) for several days. It’s just a different life than we have in the U.S., and once you experience it, you’ll never want to return to the mind-numbing, ulcer-causing treadmill in el norte.

Maybe.

Because here’s what I see way too often: some people are so wired and conditioned into Americana burnout that they can’t slow down and adapt to the Mexico tempo - and so they try to change the place they have escaped to. You see it in the expat havens that have become so popular, especially around Lake Chapala and the once idyllic beach towns like Sayulita in Nayarit and Playa del Carmen on the Mexican Riviera. They come, settle in, and then the complaints start. “We need to control the dogs in this neighborhood!”, “I’m goint to to buy a few lots, tear down some jungle, and build spec homes”, “Doesn’t anyone speak English around here?”, “Whaddya mean the maid wants more than $5.00 to clean the house?”…it goes on and on. These people, and their numbers are not small, try to turn their new home into the crappy place that they left. They act like they friggin’ own the place, and it creates a resentment amongst the locals that poisons the relationshp for everyone else. They think that because they have lighter skin they are superior.

So I’m asking you, think very hard about whether you have the right personality to live in Mexico. Before you make a permanent move, rent a place for at least 6 months and try it on. Check your temper and anxiety when you try to get something done and it’s not like it was back home in HeartAttack, CA. Can you handle it? Can you mellow-out and just appreciate a different culture without trying to change it? If not, please…stay home. You’ll only frustrate yourself and piss off everyone else.

We’ve all been there, right?. You have just spent a day and a half dealing with airports, unplanned layovers and flight delays, knee-destroying plane seats, humorless flight personnel, lost luggage, a view-room that overlooks a parking lot…but it’s OK, because now you’re on the beach, settling into a bright-blue wooden beach chair with a cold Pacifico floating in a bucket of ice and a fresh shrimp cocktail on order. Your heart beat clicks down to about 120 as you gaze out to sea as all your life troubles suddenly seem trivial, or at least manageable. Life is damn good. This well-deserved peace lasts about, oh, two minutes, when the first “salesman” squats next to you, welcoming you to paradise, and oh, by the way, how about a nice piece of “real silver” jewelry, and if that doesn’t work he happens to have a line on some good ganja or blow, or his cousin gives a great massage.

 Now most of us don’t want to be rude. After all, the beach hawkers work very hard and make very little. It’s good, honest work (the part about the drugs is actually rare) and they deserve your respect and kindness. But what you really want is to just be left alone to chill with your numb thoughts. So, how do you handle this without being a crass jerk? First, learn these three words of Spanish ” no gracias, amigo (a)”. Say this in a friendly manner, but with no equivocation. And above all, do not so much as glance at their merchandise, unless, of course, you really are in a buying mood. Then you are likely to barter a good price compared to the shops, as there is no storefront overhead for the seller. Once you show any degree of interest you have opened a door that will not easily close. If you can’t remember the three words, gaze straight ahead and simply shake your head. Generally, the same people work the same beach day after day and they all know one another. Eventually, it will be known that you are not a buyer and will be left alone, more or less.

In town it’s the time-share people who you encounter. It varies from beach town to town, but generally they have a small booth on the sidewalk. They might employ a “hook” to entice you, like “free information” or “$25.00 jeep rental”, and like all successful vultures, they can spot you  two blocks away. You, the savvy traveler, have a couple of workable options. One, when you see you are approaching  a sales booth, cross the street. Of course, you could spend way too much time doing this and it increases your chances of getting run over and badly maimed. A better method is to look and act like a local. If they perceive this they will leave you alone. This means walking with a purpose, like you know where you’re going, even though you have no clue. Lose the bright new t-shirt that advertises the local cantina and the straw hat with the multi-colored headband. Try to have tanned legs and arms. If they still come on to you, and you feel obligated to repsond, just say “I live here”. They’ll probably know you’re lying, but they won’t push the conversation.

Then, when you actually move to magical Mexico and find that time-share sales are one of your only employment opportunities, you will despise people like me who share their dubious wisdom.

Fresco is a technique used for mural painting. Most of the murals painted by Diego Rivera, for example, were done in fresco. The Maya Indians did fresco paintings in the Pre-Columbian era, as did the inhabitants of  Pompeii.

Now you can learn this ancient technique in a simple, introductory five-day workshop in the beautiful colonial town of Alamos, Sonora.

You will learn every step of the fresco process, including preparing the plaster, plastering a fresco panel, how to grind pigments, and which pigments to use. Each student will paint at least one fresco panel on terracotta, the traditional support for practicing fresco technique. Classes are open to students ages 16 and up. One does not need to be an artist to learn and appreciate the process that Rivera and Orozco used. Location and hours: Workshops will be held Monday thru Friday, from 9 AM to 1 PM at the Casa de Cultura, Loma Guadalupe, in Alamos. Instructor: Daan HoekstraDates: